If Temptation Island Had Gay Men...

By Jack Lee

For those of you outside North America, Temptation Island was a reality-based television show that put 4 couples on an island and tested their devotion by separating them and providing each of them with many, many sexy and eligible bachelors. The couples then reconvened after several weeks and made a decision on the future of their relationship. One couple was kicked off the island after it was discovered that they had a child at home and this TV "game" was not funny at all for the sake of that child.

Potential dates would not have names because no one would remember them anyway after the date. Rather they would be known by their professions, how often they go to the gym, and if they enjoy masculine activities such as hiking and spending time outdoors.

Participants would not marvel at the pristine tropical beauty and cherish its romantic atmosphere. Instead they would protest with disgust, “Honey, you want me to do it on THAT thing?” and “Oh gross, everything is so backward!”

The show would not have taken place on a cheesy tropical island. It would have been in a large city with extensive entertainment venues such as theaters, 24hr shopping malls, haute coutre boutique shops, nightclubs that never close, and fancy restaurants.

The participants would be able to do their own make-up and hair much better than what the crew can do for television. The make-up crew would be harrassing the participants for fashion tips.  No one would have botched dye jobs like Mandy’s or hair like Kaya’s that looks like a sparrow’s nest.

Couples would be kicked off the island if the crew later discovered that they jointly own some dogs that might be separated due to a possible breakup of the relationship.

For real life professions, participants would not claim to be real estate agents, bartenders, attorneys, or whatever. They would most likely be divas, prima donnas, Oscar nominees, bitches, drama queens, or sluts.

No one would get teary-eyed or bawl their eyes out due to emotions. Things would just get catty and nasty with “that bitch” as the preferred pronoun.

When couples reconvene on the last day, they would not say, “I never expected this experience to be such a roller coaster” or “I have learned a lot about myself.” It would instead be “Well, the last time you cheated on me I forgave you, but this time....” Or “This experience has confirmed a lot of suspicions I had about you.”

The popular line of “After all this, I realize that I want us to be together and I will always love you” would be replaced by “After all this, I realize that I can love many people at one time and maintain a relationship with all of them.”

People would not be hurt upon hearing the escapades of their partners. They would ask their partners with envy, “Oh my god, was it good?” “How big was he?” “Was he cut or uncut?” “Do you think he would be into threesomes?”

The show would be cancelled after ONE episode because everyone would have slept with not just their respective dates but with everyone else on the island. The question would not be “Should I stay with my boyfriend?” but “When is the next plane load arriving?”